Смешные рассказы
In the Dark
(After J. K. Jerome)
Many years ago two friends, Joe and Tom, came to a small town. It was very dark when they came to a little inn. They asked for a room with two beds. The owner of the inn showed them a room and gave them a candle because there was no lamp in the room.
When they were going to the room the candle fell out of Joe’s hand. It became very dark. They found the door of the room and went in.
They took off their clothes and went to bed. The bed was very big and by mistake1 they got into the same bed: Tom from one side and Joe from the other.
After a few minutes Joe said, «You know, Tom, there’s a man in my bed. Here are his feet near my face.»
«Yes, Joe, there’s a man in my bed too. His feet are near my face too. What shall we do?»
«Let’s push them off our beds.»
And they began to push each other. After some time the two men fell on the floor.
«Joe!» cried Tom. «My man is stronger than I. He has pushed me down to the floor.»
«I’m on the floor too,» answered Joe. «I think we must go to the owner of the inn and tell him about it.»
Are You Angry, Sir?
One day Mark Twain was travelling in France by train. He was going to a small town near Paris. It was very late at night when he went to sleep. He asked the conductor to wake him up when they got to the town, and went to sleep.
It was early morning when he woke up. The train was already near Paris. Mark Twain was very angry. He ran up to the conductor and cried, «I asked you to wake me up! Why didn’t you do it? I am very angry with you!»
The conductor looked at him for a moment and then said, «You may be angry, sir, but not so angry as the American whom I put off’ the train instead of you.»
In a Small Town
Toscanini was a great musician. He lived in America. One day he came to a very little town. He was walking along the street when he saw a piece of paper in one of the windows. He read:
«Mrs. Smith. Music Lessons. Two Dollars a Lesson»
Then Toscanini heard the music. Somebody was playing Tchaikovsky.
«Mrs Smith is playing,» he thought, «she isn’t a very good musician. She doesn’t play Tchaikovsky well. I must show her how to play it.»
He went up to the door of the house and rang. The music stopped and soon a woman opened the door.
«Are you Mrs Smith?» asked Toscanini. «My name is Toscanini and I want to show you how to play Tchaikovsky.»
Mrs Smith was very glad to meet the great musician. She asked him to come in. Toscanini played Tchaikovsky for her and went away.
A year later Toscanini visited the same town again. When he went up to the house where he had played Tchaikovsky the year before he again saw a piece of paper. Now it read:
«Mrs. Smith (Toscanini’s pupil). Music Lessons. Four Dollars a Lesson»
A Great Painter and a Great Doctor
Joseph Turner was a great English painter. He had a dog which he loved very much. One day he was playing with his dog. The dog fell and broke his leg. Turner sent for a doctor. But he did not want to send for a vet.1 He sent for the best doctor in London.
When the doctor came Turner said, «Doctor, I’m glad you have come. My dog has broken a leg. I know that you are too great for this work, but please, do it. It’s so important to me.»
The doctor was angry but he did not show it.
Next day the doctor asked Turner to come to his house. «The doctor wants to see me about my dog,» Turner thought.
When Turner got to the doctor’s house the doctor said, «Mr Turner, I’m glad to see you. I want to. ask you to paint my door. I know that you are too great for this work, but please, do it. It’s so important to me.»
The Policeman and the Thief
In a small town a man stole1 some money from a house. The police began to look for the thief. Soon they found him and brought him to the police station.
There was a new policeman at the police station and they wanted to give him some work.
«Take this thief to the city,» said one of the policemen. «You must go there by train.»
The policeman and the thief went to the station. On their way to the station they came to the shop where bread was sold
«We have no food and we must eat something in the train,» said th° thief. «It’s a long way to the city and it’ll take us a long time to get there. I’ll go into the shop and buy some bread. Then you and I can eat in the train. Wait for me here.»
The policeman was glad to have some food in the train. «Be quick,» he said to the thief, «we don’t have much time.»
The thief went into the shop and the policeman waited in the street for a long time. At last he went into the shop.
«Where is the man who came in here to buy some bread?» asked the policeman
«Oh, he went out the back door,» said the owner of the shop.
The policeman ran out but he could not see the thief. So he went to the police station and told the others about it. They were very angry with him. All the police of the town began to look forthe thief again and soon they found him. They brought him back to the police station and called the same policeman.
«Now,» said one of them, «take him to the city and do not lose him again.»
The policeman and the thief went to the station and came up to the same shop.
«Wait here,» said the thief. «I want to go into the shop and buy some bread there.»
«Oh, no,» said the policeman, «you did that once and ran away. Now I’ll go into the shop and you’ll wait for me here.»
Not a Robber
A young man who lived in the suburbs’ of a big English city was going home from the railway station. It was a dark night and there was nobody in the street. Suddenly he heard somebody walking behind him. The faster he went, the faster the man ran after him. At last he decided to turn into a small street to see what the man would do.2 After a few minutes he looked back and saw that the man was still running after him.
«He wants to rob me,» the young man thought. He saw a high garden wall and jumped over it. The other man jumped over the wall too. Now the young man was sure that the man behind him was a robber. But he could not understand why the robber was not in a hurry2 to attack him.
The young man did not know what to do. Then he turned round and said, «What do you want? Why are you following me?»
«Do you always go home in this way? Or are you taking some exercise today?» answered the man. «I’m going to Mr White, but I don’t know where he lives. A man at the railway station told me to follow you, because I could find his house very easily as Mr White lives next door to you. Will you go home or will you do some more gymnastics?»
The Mouse and the Corn
Many, many years ago there lived a king who said that anyone who could tell a story for two years would get1 a piece of land.
First one man tried but his story lasted only two weeks. Another man finished his story after five days. A third man began his story like this:
«Once a farmer planted some corn. When the corn grew the farmer gathered it and put it into a shed. Then the mouse came into the shed and began to eat the corn.»
The man went on, «The mouse took a grain of corn, the mouse took a grain of corn, the mouse took a grain of corn. «
The King interrupted the story, «Well, what was after this?»
«I can’t tell you,» answered the man, «because the mouse hasn’t finished eating the corn yet.»
«All right,» said the king, «you will get a piece of land.»
For Those Who Like to Travel
A few days later each of them got a letter. The letter read: «Sir, rest in bed and remember that the Earth turns. Paris stands at the 49th parallel. At the 49th parallel you travel more than 25,000 kilometres a, day. You may look out of the window and watch the beautiful sky.»
A Clever Fisherman
A fisherman brought a very large fish to a rich man’s house. The rich man asked the fisherman to name his price for the fish. «I don’t want money,» was the answer. «One hundred lashes on my back is the price of my fish. I won’t take one lash less!»
The rich man was surprised and said, «Well, this fisherman is very strange, but we must have the fish. So let the price be paid.»
After fifty lashes the fisherman cried, «Stop! Stop! I have a partner in my business and he must get his part, too.» «Where can I find him?» asked the rich man.
«He’s your own servant. He didn’t want to let me come into your house till I promised to give him half of the price of the fish.»
Two Brothers
Once there were two brothers, Peter and Bernard. Both of them liked to ride horses. One day they both went to buy a horse. Bernard bought a horse and Peter bought a horse, too.
«Oh, dear!» said Bernard. «How are we going to tell our horses apart? How shall I know which is my horse and which is your horse?»
«It isn’t difficult,» said Peter, «you cut the tail of your horse shorter than that of mine.»
So Bernard cut the tail of his horse and now they could see which horse was his. But then the tail of Bernard’s horse grew and the brothers began to think again.
«I know!» said Bernard. «You cut the mane of your horse very short and so we’ll see which horse is yours.»
But soon the mane of his horse grew.
«Do you know what we must do?» asked Peter. «We must see whose horse is longer. Perhaps, one is longer than the other.»
And at last they found that the black horse was three centimetres longer than the white horse.
Quick Thinking
One night a hotel caught fire1 and the people who were staying in it ran out in their night clothes.
Two men were standing near the hotel and looking at the fire. «Before I came out,» said one of them, «I ran into some of the rooms and found a lot of money there. People don’t think about money when they are in panic. When paper money gets into a fire, the fire burns it. So I took all the paper money that I could find. No one will be poorer because I took it.»
«You don’t know me,» said the other man, «and you don’t know what I am.»
«And where do you work?»
«Oh!» cried the first man. He thought quickly and then he said, «And do you know what I am?»
«No,» said the policeman.
«I’m a writer. I’m always telling stories about things that never took place.»
English2017
Английский для всех простым языком
Подборка коротких историй на английском с переводом
Всем известно, смех — лучшее лекарство от стресса. Совместите приятное с полезным: читайте эти короткие забавные истории и практикуйте свой английский с удовольствием.
Если вам надо написать мистическую историю на английском языке, отдельно я подготовила Легкие страшилки с переводом
My meeting with a traffic cop
Моя встреча с гаишником — Забавная история из жизни
I drove up to the office and broke a traffic rule — I crossed a double solid line on the road.
At that time, a police officer was standing on the street.
I thought he saw me go over the double lines.
But he kept standing.
I drove further slowly because I was near my office.
At that time, a car backed up.
The driver didn’t see my car, and smashed into it.
That police officer ran up to us and said to me:
«I have seen everything: you violated traffic rules, you have a dead body in your trunk, and drugs in your car.
Can I see your driver’s license?»
I’m standing, I’m hearing, and I can’t say anything.
Then he laughed and said: “Miss, please smile, you looked so upset that I had to tell you something to cheer you up” and let me go.
Это было 7 лет назад.
Я ехала на работу.
Я уже подъехала к офису, но нарушила правила дорожного движения — пересекла двойную сплошную линию.
А там как раз стоял сотрудник ГАИ.
Я думала, он видел как я пересекла сплошную.
Но он продолжал стоять.
Я поехала дальше, потому что была уже рядом с офисом.
В это время, какая-то машина сдавала назад, ее водитель не видел мою машину и врезается в меня.
Тут подбегает гаишник и говорит:
« Я всё видел — вы нарушили правила, у вас в багажнике труп и наркотики.
Можно ваши водительские права?»
Я стою слушаю и не могу ничего сказать.
Тут он рассмеялся и сказал: «Девушка улыбнитесь, вы стоите такая расстроенная, я должен был вас хоть как то рассмешить/приободрить», после чего отпустил меня. 
Fortune and the man
Just at this moment Fortune came down the street. She heard the man and stopped.
“Listen,” she said, “I want to help you. Hold your bag, and I shall pour diamonds into it. But every diamond which falls on the ground will become dust. Do you understand?”
“Oh, yes, I understand,” said the man. He quickly opened his bag and stream of diamonds was poured into it. The bag began to grow heavy. “Is that enough?” asked Fortune. “Not yet.” The man’s hand’s began to tremble.
“You are the richest man in the world now.” Said Fortune.
“Just a few more, and a few more,” said the man. Another diamond was added and the bag slipped. All the diamonds fell on the ground and became dust.
Fortune disappeared, leaving the man in the street.
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
The author of the Sherlock Holmes stories was Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.
Once Sir Arthur arrived in Paris. He took a cab and asked the cabman to take him to the Ritz, the hotel where he was going to spend the night.
The cabman brought him to the hotel. When he received the fare he said:
“Thank you very much, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“How do you know who I am?” asked Sir Arthur. He was very much surprised.
“Well, sir, I read in the newspaper yesterday that you were coming to Paris from the South of France. I also noticed that your hair was cut by a barber in the South of France. Your clothes and especialy your hat told me that you were English. I put all the information together and quessed that you were Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.”
“That is wonderful,” said Sir Arthur.
“You could recognize me though you knew very few facts.”
“Besides,” added the cabman. Your name is on both of your travelling bags. That also helped.”
So, the cabman played a good joke on Conan Doyle.
Honesty is the best policy
‘What is the matter, poor woodman?” he asked. “What has happened? Why are you so sad and unhappy?”
Mercury listened to the man’s story and then said, “Perhaps I can help you.” He dived into the river and brought up a golden axe. “Is this yours?” he asked. “No, that is not mine,” was the answer.
Mercury dived a second time and this time brought up a silver axe. “Is this yours?” he asked. Again the answer was “No.” So Mercury dived a third time and brought up the very axe that the woodman had lost. “That’s my axe,” cried the man. “Yes, that is my axe. Now I can work again.”
Mercury was so pleased with the follow’s honesty that at once he made him a present of the other two axes and disappeared before the man could say, “Thank you”.
The woodman went home very pleased with his good luck. He told his friends all about it and one of them decided to try his luck. So he went to the same place, dropped his axe into the river, and cried out: “Oh! I have lost my axe. What shall I do? Who can help me?”
Mercury appeared as before, and when he learnt that man had lost his axe, he dived into the river. Again he brought up a golden axe. “Is this yours”? he asked.
“Yes, it is,” answered the woodman. “You are not telling me the truth,” said Mercury.
You will neither have this axe nor the one that you so foolishly dropped into the water.”
Меркурий выслушал рассказ человека, а затем сказал: «Возможно, я могу тебе помочь». Он нырнул в реку и поднял золотой топор. «Это твой топор?» — спросил он. «Нет, это не мой», — был ответ дровосека. Меркурий нырнул во второй раз, и на этот раз он поднял серебряный топор. «Это твой?» — спросил он. Опять ответ был «Нет». Меркурий нырнул в третий раз и поднял тот топор, который потерял дровосек. «Это мой топор, — воскликнул бедняк. «Да, это мой топор. Теперь я могу снова работать ».
Меркурий был так доволен честностью приятеля, что тотчас же сделал ему подарок из двух других топоров и исчез, прежде чем мужчина мог сказать: «Спасибо».
Дровосек вернулся домой очень довольный своей удачей. Он рассказал своим друзьям обо всем этом, и один из них решил попробовать свою удачу. Он подошел к тому же месту, уронил топор в реку и закричал: «Ой! Я потерял топор. Что мне делать? Кто может мне помочь?»
Меркурий появился, как и прежде, и когда он узнал, что человек потерял топор, нырнул в реку. Он поднял золотой топор. «Это твой топор»? — спросил он.
«Да, это мой», ответил дровосек. «Ты говоришь неправду,»- сказал Меркурий.
Ты не получишь и этот топор, и свой, который ты по глупости кинул в воду».
A present from the son
Once he went to China and brought some tea from that country.
At that time tea was very expensive and only rich people could buy and drink it. So the old woman was very happy to have such a nice present. But she didn’t know what to do with it as she had never bought tea before. She thought it was a vegetable. She told her friends about her son’s present and invited them to taste it with her. At last the day of the tea-party came. The woman called her guests to the dining-room and put a big dish of tea leaves on the table. The guests began to eat the leaves with salt just as they ate vegetables. Nobody liked it but didn’t tell the woman about it and continued to eat the leaves.
Some tome later the sailor came into the room. When he saw that all the guests were eating leaves, he smiled.
“What are you doing? Why are eating these leaves? Where is the tea?”
“Here it is, my son,” the old woman said.
“And where is the water in which you have boiled the leaves?” asked the man laughing.
“I threw it away, of course,” answered the woman.
Однажды он отправился в Китай и привез из этой страны чай. В то время чай был очень дорогим, и только богатые люди могли купить и пить такой чай. Поэтому старушка была очень счастлива иметь такой приятный подарок. Но она не знала, что с делать с таким чаем, поскольку она никогда не покупала его раньше. Она подумала, что это овощ.
Она рассказала своим друзьям о подарке сына и пригласила их попробовать этот чай. Наконец настал день чайной вечеринки. Женщина позвала своих гостей в столовую и положила на стол большое блюдо из чайных листьев. Гости стали есть листья с солью, как они делали это, когда ели овощи. Никто не понравилось, но никто не сказал об этом старушке, а продолжали есть листья.
Некоторое время спустя сын вошел в комнату.
Когда он увидел, что все гости ели листья, он улыбнулся.
«Что вы делаете?
Зачем вы едите эти листья?
А где чай?»
«Вот он, мой сын,» — сказала старушка.
«А где вода, в которой вы заварили листья?» — спросил сын, смеясь.
«Разумеется, я вылила ее, — ответила мать.
I’m four years old at home, and two and a half in buses and trains
The conductor was looking at the small boy for a few seconds and then said, ‘How old are you, young man?’
The mother began speaking, but the conductor stopped her, and the boy said, ‘I’m four years old at home, and two and a half in buses and trains.’
The mother took sixpence more out of her bag and gave it to the bus conductor.
He gave her one ticket and a half.
Посмотрев на ребенка, кондуктор спросил маму: «Сколько Вам лет, молодой человек?».
Женщина начала было говорить, но кондуктор остановил ее и мальчик произнес: «Дома мне четыре годика, а в автобусах и поездах — мне 2.5».
Женщина доставила из сумки еще шесть пенсов и отдала кондуктору. А тот дал ей один взрослый и один детский билет.
I prefer to play the part of a great man on the stage
Can my dog have a seat in the bus?
The conductor looked at the dog and then said, “Certainly, madam, he can have a seat, but like the other passengers, he mustn’t put his feet on it.”
Why do men in this country wear black when they marry?
One day she said to the children: “People in a lot of countries in Asia wear white clothes at funerals, but people in America and in Europe wear white clothes when they’re happy, what color does a woman in this country wear when she marries, Mary?”
Mary said, “White, Miss because she’s happy.”
“That’s good, Mary,” Mrs. Robinson said. “You’re quite right. She wears white because she’s happy.”
But then one of the boys in the class put his hand up.
“Yes, Dick,” Mrs. Robinson said. “Do you want to ask a question?”
“Yes, Miss,” Dick said. “Why do men in this country wear black when they marry?”
7 thoughts on “ Подборка коротких историй на английском с переводом ”
Great! I study English from Russia, I really like your stories. I study myself hard but interesting.
COAT FROM THE DEAD
One evening a man called James was on the road from Oxford to London. There weren’t many cars on the road because it was late. Suddenly in the lights of his car he saw a woman by the road – she was quite young and very pretty. ‘It’s dangerous to walk along the road when it’s dark and late,’ he thought. He stopped, opened the window and asked the young woman, ‘Where are you going? It’s dangerous to stand here at night… perhaps I can take you to London with me.’ The young woman didn’t answer but she opened the door of the car and got in.
James asked her a lot of questions: ‘What’s your name? Where do you live? Why are you on the road at night? Is your family in London? Where are your friends? Have you got any money? Are you hungry?’ The young woman sat next to James but she said nothing. Not one word. She only looked at the road.
Soon James stopped asking questions and they drove along without talking. Coming into London there were more cars and James had to drive more slowly. Suddenly the young woman started to open the door so James stopped the car quickly. They were in front of a house on a long street. The woman opened the door and got out of the car, then she slowly walked up to the front door of the house. James watched her and thought angrily, ‘She didn’t say «Thank you».’
‘Does a young woman live here?’ he asked’. l think this is her coat – she left it in my car three days ago.’
‘Here, please give it back to her then,’ James said.
‘l can’t,’ the woman said. ‘She’s dead.’
‘Yes, she died five years ago.’
Five years ago?’ James asked quietly.
Однажды вечером мужчина по имени Джеймс направлялся из Оксфорда в Лондон. Машин на дороге оказалось немного, так как время было позднее. Вдруг в свете фар он увидел женщину, она была молоденькая и симпатичная.
«Здесь опасно разгуливать в одиночку в такое время», — подумал водитель. Он остановил авто, открыл окошко и спросил даму: «Куда вы направляетесь? Здесь небезопасно находиться в одиночестве. Возможно, я могу попросить вас до Лондона».
Женщина не ответила, но открыла дверцу и села в машину.
Джеймс задал ей множество вопросов: «Как вас зовут?», «Где вы живете?», «Почему вы ночью одна на дороге?», «Ваша семья в Лондоне?», «Если ли у вас близкие и друзья?», «Есть ли у вас деньги?», «Вы голодны?»
Молодая леди сидела рядом с Джеймсом, но ничего не говорила. Ни единого слова. Она лишь всматривалась в дорогу. Вскоре он перестал задавать вопросы, и они поехали дальше в полной тишине.
Подъезжая к Лондону, ему пришлось ехать медленнее, так как на трассе стали появляться другие авто. Вдруг попутчица начала открывать дверь, поэтому Джеймсу пришлось немедленно остановить машину. Они встали перед домом на длинной улице. Незнакомка открыла дверь, вышла, а затем медленно побрела к входной двери. Джеймс глядел ей вслед очень сердито. «Она даже не поблагодарила меня», — пронеслось в голове.
3 дня спустя он открыл заднюю дверь авто и нашел плащ. «Это не мой», — подумал он. Затем он вспомнил о девушке. Возможно, плащ принадлежал ей. Ему необходимо было отправиться в Лондон снова, поэтому он подумал: «Я захвачу вещь и верну ее. Я помню и улицу, и дом».
Он подъехал к месту назначения, припарковал авто и направился к двери.
Ему отварила пожилая женщина. Он спросил:
— Здесь ли проживает молодая леди? Я думаю, что это ее плащ. 3 дня назад она оставила его в моем автомобиле
Женщина взглянула на вещь и начала рыдать.
— Плащ принадлежал моей дочери…
— Тогда передайте ей пожалуйста, — сказал Джеймс
— Я не могу, — отвечала женщина. — Моя дочь умерла…
— Умерла?! — воскликнул Джеймс
— Да, она умерла 5 лет назад
— 5 лет назад, — тихо повторил Джеймс
— Да. На трассе между Оксфордом и Лондоном. В ДТП… — ответила женщина.
